Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Butcher (2006)


Totally Past Its Expiration Date

Editor's Note: This review was written in 2006...or 2007...I don't fucking know anymore. So pardon the Beowulf reference. This shit's old.

The Butcher is essentially a better movie than Bloodlines, and that’s about it. Again, it involves people in the middle of nowhere who are captured by ugly mutated psychopaths bent on chopping them up for god knows why. Attention directors: we got over Wrong Turn about a week after it came out. Try something different!

In this scenario we have a group of friends taking a trip to Vegas. The friends are handpicked from the "stereotypical characters" hat which include the asshole/jock boyfriend, the asshole boyfriend’s girlfriend who is his exact opposite, the sensitive guy, the kooky black girl who the sensitive guy likes (I only mention her race because we all know there’s one token black person in "typical" horror films that will not make it out), and of course, two lesbians who make out the entire time.

I’m going to try something different with the plotline to see how sharp you readers are, okay? Fill in the blanks for me:

En route to Vegas, somebody suggests taking a ___________, which results in their car getting a ______ ______ and our protagonists stuck in the ____________ of ____________. They see a _____________ and decide to see if anyone is there. Of course, it belongs to the ______________ who decides to kill our friends off with _____________ and ______________. (The last two blanks are lenient. You can pretty much fill in any two weapons of your choice.)

Though The Butcher is obviously low budget horror, it still packs a few decent surprises. The set design is surprisingly effective, particularly the killer’s house, which seems to have hidden rooms all over the place. Although the gore isn’t particularly well done for the most part, there are still a few moments where it does the trick (i.e. a severed lesbian torso). Alan Ritchson, who plays the asshole boyfriend, portrays his character so effectively that I wanted to slit his throat through the entire film. He must be doing something right because he scored a role in the upcoming film, Beowulf. Also, the lead actress is insanely hot and the costume designer decided to use that to its full potential.

But too many stupid things made this movie blow. The acting for the most part really is below par and (don’t crucify me for saying this) but the lesbian shit bothered me. I know I should just sit back and enjoy it, but I’ve never seen two hot lesbians together in my entire life. There’s always a butch one in the relationship. After one of the girls is cut in half at the beginning in a car accident, the rest of the group casually stands around staring at her severed body without any emotion. "So what do we do now?" "Man, my car is fucked up. My dad’s gonna kill me!" If I just saw my friend’s body rip apart, I’d probably be in a decent amount of shock and hysteria. Also, I don’t understand why they changed the title to The Butcher from its original working title The Harvest. I mean, both titles really don’t apply much to the actual movie, but considering that the only line of dialogue that the killer spews out is a VERY contrived "It’s harvest time," it only seems appropriate that they at least use a title to match. I mean, he does have a barn. And lots of farming equipment. Sure he doesn’t plow any fields or punch holes in dirt, but you know...for continuity’s sake.

Oh, what the hell am I prattling on about? This whole movie is one big continuity error.

 1.5/5

Andrew's Hidden Message: The film’s director, Edward Gorsuch, is actually a soft-core porn writer in his spare time. Perhaps that’s why we never actually see a climax in this movie.

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