Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Bloodlines (2007)

Bad Genes

Editor's Note: This review was originally published in 2007 when I apparently cursed twice as much as I do now. Believe it or not, I actually toned down a few of the "Fucks" in this edit. Oh well, fuck it. This movie blew.
I don’t know what the hell THINKFilm was thinking. After releasing a ton of highly enjoyable independent films, they get a wild hair up their ass and decide to distribute the direct-to-video nightmare that is Bloodlines. THINKFilm doesn’t have much of a track record when it comes to horror movies and I hate to think that they blew their chance with this one. I’m just going to go ahead and assume that they were either dared or blackmailed into distributing this virulent bloodfart of a film.

On the Internet Movie Database, the only two plot keywords for Bloodlines are "female nudity" and "murder," so already you think you have a winner. Unfortunately, you’re dead wrong. This shitty film revolves around a group of backwoods inbreeds who are trying to get their family line cleaned up. Led by the "normal" brother, Billy Bob (please thank the film's writers for such a clever backwoods name), he and his mutated brothers have kidnapped many women, raped them, and forced them to give birth to normal looking children. When survivor-girl Amber heads to college, she ends up being kidnapped and set to be the clan’s next victim. However, Billy Bob and the gang don’t realize that Amber is a tough girl and comes from a tough family. Soon enough, her brothers are out tracking her down and are ready to kick some mutated ass.

This isn't the only thing that chokes in this film
Christ, this movie is such an annoying clusterfuck. I’m seriously trying to hurry and finish this article so I can stop thinking about it. Bloodlines is like the inbred child of every backwoods-torture flick of the last five years, but with a smaller budget and a smaller brain. It’s like Wrong Turn fucked House of 1000 Corpses and had baby which The Hills Have Eyes then brutally raped. And there you have it: Bloodlines! The acting is shit, the situations are ridiculous and the special FX are on par with Wal-Mart’s Halloween aisle. They spend the first part of the movie making sure we know how strong Amber is. They do this by dressing her in a camisole that shows off her abs. After being kidnapped, she meets the most annoying fucking people ever in the prison room. There’s the whiney valley girl and then there’s the tough country girl who seriously gave me a seizure just from her acting alone. Amber even finds a way out through a hole in the ground (which is also the prison room’s toilet) and after climbing through shit and piss, emerges from the hole with only a bit of dirt on her shoulder.

Three actresses trying desperately to find their way out of this film
The kills are anticlimactic and the violence is sparse. If I wanted to see people getting their necks broken every five seconds, I’d watch Best of the Best 2. But every kill is seriously involves either a broken neck or a bow and arrow. As I said, the acting is laughable. Billy Bob’s sister tries so hard to be the Baby Firefly of the clan but comes off as amateurish. The best actor in the film doesn’t even have any speaking lines, swear to god. To make sure that we know these guys are backwoods hicks, Billy Bob is given a single wife beater to wear and his brothers are given overalls and plaid shirts with long sleeves. Why mention the long sleeves you ask? Because it’s painfully obvious that they didn’t even feel like trying to add effects to their arms. They throw on a shitty mask with long grey hair and there you have it’.inbreeding! Fuck all that. Oh and the ending! Holy fucking shit! Home Alone didn’t have as happy of an ending as this fucking movie!

Don't worry. He's not dead. He's just sleeping off a bad stereotype.
I’m gonna end this article before my fucking brain collapses and I shit out my intestines. This is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I don’t regret watching it. But its lack of originality and its lame characters made me want to pour salt in my eyes and then staple them shut. Just because you have an idea for a movie doesn’t mean you have to film it. Dozens of other people did it before you and most of them got it wrong. What exactly did you think you were going to bring to the plate?

My, what smooth and youthful arms you have for an elderly inbred!
1/5 Stars

Andrew's Hidden Message: Just...I don’t know. Fucking kill me or something.

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