Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Taint (2010)

What A Bunch Of Dicks

Those of you who read my recent verbal curb-stomping of a review for Dahmer vs. Gacy will probably have a Scanners-esque head explosion from the sheer confusion of my praise for The Taint, a new indie-shock horror film from the (assumingly) perverse minds of Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson. What separates a film about rabid misogynists with exploding cocks bashing in women's heads from two serial killers raping and slashing their way through a city? Fucking talent and effort, that's what.

The saying goes: "If someone else said it better...", so allow me to sum up the film through the words of Bolduc himself, who describes The Taint as "the ultimate sexually-frustrated-male-nerd-emotional-masturbation-release film, done in the style of an 80ʼs horror-comedy." That's pretty much it in a nutsack shell. When the world's water supply becomes contaminated, the men who consume it become crazed misogynistic killers, caving in the skulls of the female population with anything and everything they can find. Bolduc plays Phil O'Ginny ("It's Irish"), a yet-to-be-tainted male who's getting busy in a farmhouse before he's chased off by a crazed farmer. Escaping through the woods, Phil discovers the mutilated bodies of women before running into Misandra (Colleen Walsh), who fills him in on what's been happening. Locked and loaded, the two team up to find a safe way out of town, dealing with not only the crazed misogynists, but untainted men (led by a hilarious gym teacher) who have already resorted to Lord of the Flies savagery in wake of the disaster, not to mention a mysterious Kabuki-masked man who may or may not possess the key to salvation.

Now that I've described the plot in normal review fashion, let me make a few clarities. Our misogynistic enemies aren't just your standard psychos with weapons. Each has a giant prosthetic cock hanging out of their pants, most of which blast insane amounts of semen throughout the film. One even shits himself. This film features every bodily fluid known to man, including a scene with actual vomiting by Bolduc. The Taint is essentially the best Troma film that Troma never made, with over-the-top gore and perverseness flooding the screen in nearly every scene. This isn't a film for the light-hearted horror fan. Shit, it's probably not the film for the dedicated horror fan, but for those of you with a strong stomach and a penchant for the extreme (a libido wouldn't hurt, either), you'll probably bask in every semen covered scene and embrace the lavish violence with open arms (or legs).

So why does The Taint overpower other low-budget shock-horror films? Because you can tell a lot of work was put into the production. Sure, it won't win any Academy Awards for acting, but it damn well could for cinematography, editing, and special effects. Every shot in the film is lush and vibrant (the gorgeous Virginia woodland setting doesn't hurt), with creative use of wide shots, angles, and filming techniques. Combine that with some brilliant editing, and you have one of the best looking low-budget horror films of the year (if not ever). The gore effects are utterly mesmerizing and happen so swiftly that it's hard to even tell if CGI was even added as an enhancer (the "car door scene" comes to mind). The film's 8-Bit/Chiptune score also packs a powerful punch as it boasts a selection of songs so enjoyable, you may find yourself rewinding to certain scenes just to get another taste.

The Taint is also very well written and has a good sense of humor about it. Though a lot of it comes as easy laughs (the aforementioned prosthetic cocks/bodily fluids), there are some great one-liners to be found as well as subtleties like Phil changing his hipster sunglasses from white to black in varying situations. My only complaint was that there was a very small abuse of the words "gay" and "faggot", which I've never particularly found to be funny, but in being honest and awesome with you, one scene involving an extreme advertisement for a penis enlarger blasts the text "Don't Be a Faggot!" as its selling point, which actually had me cracking up. It's all in how you use the term, I suppose.

The film also has great marketing, with possibly one of the best poster designs I've ever seen, as well as a website that lets you in on the fun of the film's production, with behind-the-scenes galleries, a stream of the entire soundtrack, and high quality downloads of the film's artwork (not to mention that you can also purchase merchandise as well as various forms of the movie as a high quality 720p download, VHS, and DVD).

With all of this said, I have to award The Taint as one of the most entertaining movies of the year. For a low-budget splatterfest with more genitals than you can shake a dick at, it really plays out surprisingly well. Fans of the obscure and bizarre will definitely want to get their paws on this one, as it's sure to become a cult classic among the horror community in years to come, as well as making a great conversation piece for friends on drunken movie nights. So, if you're going to see one film this year with gratuitous male genitalia, skip The Hangover Part II and get your hands on (or in) The Taint.

To get your hands dirty, please visit

 4/5 Stars

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