Friday, June 17, 2011

Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout (1990)

This review was originally published in 2006
Exercising The Demons

I must start off this review with an explicit and straightforward warning for you men who dare to watch this video: your cock will explode. Women…if you dare to watch this video…your cock will explode. 

No matter what gender or sexual orientation you choose, it’s impossible to deny scream queen Linnea Quigley’s sexual prowess. In every movie she’s in, we see her trotting around in skimpy outfits, dancing completely nude in graveyards, having sex, or shoving lipstick tubes into her breasts. Bottom line: she’s a hottie.

Capitalizing on that, a video was made in 1990 called Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout. This hard-to-find video captures Linnea Quigley doing what she does best; being sexy. The opening of this video is a five-minute shower scene of Quigley, so already you know you’re in for a treat. After that, she tells us how hard it is to be a scream queen and that it involves a lot of work. She proves this by stretching in ludicrously hot positions while wearing a black leather studded bra and panties. Next, she’s off for a jog! Just as any scream queen would, she takes a cut through a cemetery. Sooner than you think, she has a ton of zombies chasing after her finally cornering her by the pool. Does she let that stop her? No way! She shames the zombies for being so out of shape and forces them to do pool side exercises with her before tricking them all to jump into the water. Now Linnea’s ready to relax so she invites over three really hot friends so it around in skimpy lingerie to watch some of her favorite movies. Well, next thing you know, all four girls are exercising their asses off, while the cameraman (who I’m insanely jealous of) gets some lovely shots. Everything seems fine and dandy until a masked killer strikes loose in Linnea’s home! Then her friends start to die one by one until we realize…it was really Linnea killing them all along! Then we have some bloopers and THE END.

Now I know that this doesn’t sound like a serious review, and really, it isn’t. Neither is the movie serious. It’s just plain old straight-to-video fun! There are lots of scenes from Linnea’s work spliced into Horror Workout with some of her best onscreen moments (but no Night of the Demons, what the hell?!) Linnea also uses the video to make fun of her life a constant scream queen, at one point turning down an offer to dance naked in a graveyard while wearing a chicken suit: "I already did that!"

This video doesn’t take itself seriously at all and neither should you. But if anything, it’s great for laughs or just to put on at a party. You get to see Linnea Quigley naked and then exercising with sexy friends while watching clips from her favorite horror films. You really just can’t complain. It’s not like anyone died and made you Scream Queen!

 Awesome/Awesome Stars

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