Thursday, June 30, 2011

Demonic Toys (1992)

Well, these are certainly more fun than the Karate Kid toys I used to play with.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Trust (2010)


The first movie I reviewed on this site was James Gunn's oddball-superhero dark comedy, Super. While it wasn't a horror film, it still had enough genre connections and dark themes to stir up something inside of me that most horror films can't accomplish these days. Such is the case with Trust, which has no ties whatsoever to the genre but turned my stomach enough to elicit a genuine reaction of shock, which I believe merits the film a spot on this website.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

With the exception of college fraternities, professional athletes, and Jeepers Creepers director Victor Salva; we all know that rape is a horrible, horrible thing. I Spit On Your Grave is probably the most notorious film in the rape/revenge sub-genre (can you believe we actually have a sub-genre that specific?) and even spawned a fairly solid remake last year. So enjoy the trailer, and try to keep it in your pants in the meantime. Believe me, you don't wanna be caught defenseless in a bathtub by this chick.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Best Deleted Scene Ever

A long-running joke in the horror community, 2002's Halloween: Resurrection was the final courtesy flush in the infamous series, filled with a miserable young cast including American Pie alumni (that little shit from Rookie of the Year), not to mention the horrid addition of Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes, whose uninspired one-liners were responsible for nearly 70% of the suicides which took place that year (source needed).

A long-running joke amongst myself and some like-minded friends, the DVD's bonus features for Resurrection contain an amazing deleted scene that offers no explanation as to what the fuck just happened and has been responsible for hysterical crying, knee-slaps, and uproarious vomiting to those who've seen it. As I'm sure fans were already too embittered to even check out the film's equally uninspired extras, allow me to allow you to join the club and experience what is quite possibly The Best Deleted Scene Ever. Enough foreplay. Click continue to see this outstanding moment in horror history.

The Perfect Host (2010)

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?

I've only hosted a handful of dinner parties in my lifetime, most of them resulting in someone trying to use white wine to get red wine out of the carpet. Needless to say, I'm hardly the fanciest person on the planet. On the other hand, my weekly outdoor grillings have become a bit of a mainstay this year, and just this past Saturday, one guest thanked me for being "such a great host". While I'll wear that compliment like a badge of honor, it's still far from being "the perfect host". That title is awarded to David Hyde Pierce's Warwick Wilson, a man who truly knows how to throw a (wait for the pun) killer party.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Children Of The Corn (1984)

If you ever needed a reason not to eat your vegetables, this is as good of one as any.

Eaters: Rise Of The Dead (2010)

 Feed Your Need

Don't judge a film by it's cover; its poor, cartoonish, bargain-bin video game-looking cover. There are no hordes of shirtless zombies running about in this film, nor is there a single helicopter on the attack (thankfully this is just the UK's DVD cover art). Also, don't let the fact that Uwe Boll's name being promptly displayed above the film's title dissuade you, as I'm sure it will bring back some PTSD symptoms from those of you who made it out of House of the Dead alive. Just as Quentin Tarantino slapped his name over Hostel, Boll is only serving as Eaters: Rise of the Dead's producer. Say what you will about the guy, but after contacting "millions" of genre directors to invest in the film, Boll was the only one who said yes to the filmmakers. I think that deserves a slow-clap. You start.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Slices Of Life (2010)

The Seemingly Neverending Story

After being treated to the delightfully distasteful anthology Little Deaths, I was hoping I'd be in for another treat with Slices of Life, a film that weaves three gruesome tales about work life, home life, and sex life from the mind of one girl and her sketchbooks. Unfortunately, I had to force myself to sit through the entire film, just so I could come here and review it for you guys and warn you to stay away from this one. While it may have looked good on paper (it probably didn't), Slices of Life ultimately fails due to poor acting, terribly extended usage of CGI, and just all-around predictability, to name a few. But for those of you with an insatiable appetite for torturing me, continue on and I'll do my best to stay awake while describing the film with as much conviction as the story allows.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Higanjima (2009)

Blood Brothers

It's no secret that I love the Japanese, especially when it comes to film. Because of this, I have knack for letting them get away with things that I would probably discredit other films for doing. Higanjima (also known as Higanjima: Escape from Vampire Island) is no exception. In world plagued by god-awful, teen-friendly vampire films (I'm looking at you, Twilight), South Korean director Tae-gyun Kim brings us a tale of teenagers vs. bloodsuckers that easily surpasses the mainstream dreck we've become accustomed to in the US. Is the film perfect? No; but with enough violence and genre-blending to keep you entertained throughout the lengthy two-hour story, Higanjima should be a welcomed addition to any fangbanger's collection.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Tormented (2009)

Wooly Bully

Mainstream American cinema; take notes. This is how you craft a high school based horror/comedy. Keep it fun, keep it real, and keep it violent as all fuck. Nobody wants to see these shitty PG-13 horror films, because with the exception of a few, most of them suck and have the worst target audience in existence. If you want to attract both longtime horror fans and kids in their late teens, watch the UK's Tormented and bask in its unique and gory formula that attracts even cynical film-buff assholes like myself. If you can make me actually enjoy a film about people eleven years my junior, your work is already halfway done. Throw in some guts and sex appeal and you've got me hook, line, and sinker.

Dylan Dog: Dead Of Night (2010)

A Doggone Shame

I've never read the comic book series Dylan Dog, in which this film is based upon, and now I'm not sure that I want to. While I'm sure the comic book is just fine, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night is way too much of a love-it-or-hate-it type of film which has me curious as to whether the comic just didn't translate well to film, or if the series was in fact as badly written as this movie?

Um...Best Poster Ever?

As most of you know by now, I'm not a huge fan of remakes or reboots. However, Sony's done a great job with the marketing for the American remake of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (not technically a remake as both are based off of the original novel), which is directed by the fan-favorite David Fincher. Last month, we had the whole "teaser trailer leak" that Sony removed near-immediately, although I'm sure they're the ones who leaked it in the first place. Then there's this poster, which definitely pushes the borders of American marketing. With the exception of the alternate poster for Hostel 2 (see it after the jump), it's pretty rare that we see such explicit posters in the US for big budgeted films. Geez, I'm not even drooling solely over Rooney Mara, here. I mean, I'm not gay (to my knowledge), but I would probably let Daniel Craig blow me, especially with that gritty, weathered look he's boasting in this poster.

The film hits theaters December 21st, 2011, so let's hope that it lives up to the marketing hype.

(Hostel 2 poster after the jump)

Monday, June 20, 2011

Killer Klowns From Outer Space 2: Best News Ever?

Back in the late 90s, I emailed Stephen Chiodo regarding rumors circulating about a sequel to the 1988 cult classic, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, one of my favorite horror films of all time. Stephen told me they were just about to head to a board meeting that day to pitch the idea to the film execs. Unfortunately, I never heard anything back on whether the meeting was a success or not and assumed all was lost. Well, last year, Grant Cramer (who starred as Mike Tobacco in the original film) did an interview with a website where he stated that he and the Chiodo brothers had finished a script to a sequel and were working on getting it made. Cramer said that he was returning to the film's sequel, but would likely be the only original cast member to make a comeback. He also stated that the film wouldn't be a horrid CGI-laden sequel, but would instead rely on the same amazing make-up effects utilized in the original film. Well, I began digging through the internet recently and discovered an official Facebook page for The Return Of The Killer Klows From Outer Space in 3D. While details are still scarce, the facebook page, started in 2010 and is still being continuously updated, informs us that the film is in the late stages of production, which provides fans with more hope than we've had in a long time.

So check out the original interview with Cramer here and hit up the official Facebook page here, and stay tuned with Take My Life, Please as I hope to unearth more information soon and perhaps snag an interview with the Chiodo Brothers in the process.

Hopefully, the circus will be coming back to town before we know it!

The Passing (2010)

Inherited Evil

I'd like to preface this review by stating that I have no idea when this film was made. The dates that I use next to the film titles are usually from the film's initial release, usually on festival circuits. As of today's date (June 20th, 2011), The Passing doesn't even have an IMDb entry, which makes it even more difficult to find accurate release dates. The movie appears on none of the actor's IMDb pages as well. Even more perplexing is that two of the film's stars have since passed away, including Paul Gleason, forever known for his roles in films like Die Hard and The Breakfast Club as well as Lilyan Chauvin (Pumpkinhead II, Silent Night, Deadly Night). The actors died in 2006 and 2008, respectively, and the DVD was only released recently in 2011. Reviews found on the film's sparsely informative website were from 2008, but I ultimately decided to go with 2010 because it's the date used in the end of the film's credits. This is a random intro paragraph to the film, but I felt the need to share my frustrations and curiosity with you all in case someone has an answer for this. Anyways, where were we?

Red White & Blue (2010)

Don't Mess With Texas

If you read my recent review for Little Deaths, you'll remember that my favorite story in the movie was "Bitch" by Simon Rumley. Eager to see more of his work, I was elated upon discovering that Rumley had previously released the full-length feature Red White & Blue just before his participation in Little Deaths. Far surpassing "Bitch" in viciousness, Red White & Blue is a true kick in the gut; a brutal curbstomp of realism, desperation, and death that centers around three characters tragically bound by horrible circumstances, ultimately resulting each person's own form of revenge that leaves the audience with a terrifying film containing no true protagonist. Why is that so terrifying? Well, how many films have you sat through that leave you hopeless and with nobody to root for? This isn't your average drama/thriller. Red White & Blue is a slice of life piece that takes you through the minds of three random nobodies, forcefully dragging you along through every dread-instilling moment until these characters literally have their lives...well...sliced.

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Victim (Phii khon pen) (2006)

This review was originally published in 2006

After Korea put its signature stamp on the horror genre, Thailand was the next of our Eastern friends to follow suit with their exemplary ghost story Shutter. Since then, there have been a handful of decent Thai films but just as many bad, mostly focusing on the same oft-used Asian theme of vengeful spirits. One of their latest offerings, The Victim, is a strange mix of the two. It’s funny however, because this film managed to fool me. For the first half, something felt very off about the film. It seemed riddled with clichés and average J-Horror fare and I was ready to say it was another poor Thai effort. Surprisingly, a plot twist that I never saw coming made up for the first half of the film and was followed by an interesting storyline with a few decent scares.

Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout (1990)

This review was originally published in 2006
Exercising The Demons

I must start off this review with an explicit and straightforward warning for you men who dare to watch this video: your cock will explode. Women…if you dare to watch this video…your cock will explode. 

No matter what gender or sexual orientation you choose, it’s impossible to deny scream queen Linnea Quigley’s sexual prowess. In every movie she’s in, we see her trotting around in skimpy outfits, dancing completely nude in graveyards, having sex, or shoving lipstick tubes into her breasts. Bottom line: she’s a hottie.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Dirt Devil Meets The Exorcist

I figure one good turn deserves another! If you enjoyed Rob Zombie's Woolite commercial (posted below this one), then you will surely love this Excorcist-inspired commercial for Dirt Devil. Unlike the vacuum, this commercial is far from sucking. Enjoy!

Rob Zombie's Woolite Commercial

Yes. You read the title correctly. Rob Zombie has directed a silly horror-esque commercial for Woolite, and it's pretty damn good to say the least. But don't take my word for it. Check it out for yourself!

Read the full article in the NY Times with some comments from Zombie here! In the meantime, keep those clothes clean! Hmm...wonder if Woolite will get out those blood stains...

Little Deaths (2011)

Blood Between The Sheets

If there's one thing in life that I'll never turn down (apart from booze, drugs, and sex), it's a good anthology, with the exception of Creepshow 3, which I've refused to watch thus far based on principle alone. Many of my favorite films come from the classic Amicus anthologies like Tales From the Crypt, From Beyond The Grave, and Asylum. What makes an anthology so much fun is the fact that you get (usually) three movies in one. Take a story that doesn't work out so well as a full length feature, cut it down by forty minutes and you have yourself a perfect entry, ready for the ADD-minded audiences who may have hated it had it been released on its own. The UK's Little Deaths is probably one of the most fucked up anthologies (if not films) that I've had the pleasure of viewing. Combining elements of sex and death, our three directors weave a collection of stories so bizarre and unsettling, it could've probably been titled as part three in the Three Extremes series (I know how you production companies are with titling sequels...I bet it would be called Three 3xtremes, which actually works just fine without the Three in the title). Somewhere in the distance, I can hear the faint echo of a movie exec scribbling this down on paper five minutes before an important meeting.

The Haunting of #24 (2005)

Rent's Due

Editor's Note: This review was originally written and published around 2006 and is being reposted in connection with the release of Little Deaths, a new anthology that features the work of this film's director, Sean Hogan.

British horror has really surprised me this year. Severance grabbed me by the balls and after a dozen or so really great UK horror flicks, they haven’t let go. Sean Hogan’s The Haunting of #24 also refuses to give my cockney a break, continually making my sex life very difficult. Well, you know. That and my conjoined twin.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

YellowBrickRoad (2010)

Road To Nowhere

When a horror website as well-known as Bloody-Disgusting forms a production company to release "the best independent horror movies from around the globe", that sets up a lot of expectations. When the "#1 horror website in the world" puts their stamp on something, you're going to expect to experience some thrills, chills, scares, and violence like no other film on the market. Unfortunately, Bloody-Disgusting has chosen a dud with YellowBrickRoad, a film that starts off hot but ultimately leaves you bored and well... bloody disgusted that you just sat through the entire thing.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Bleeding House (2011)

Might I Trouble You For A Few Pints Of Blood?

First time writer/director Philip Gelatt's The Bleeding House is an interesting little indie horror film, putting a twisted spin on the home invasion scenario via some vicious religious fanaticism and judgement a la 2001's Frailty. Oh, crazed bible thumping fanatics, why are you so much scarier than Jason and Freddy? Oh right. Because you actually exist.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Torso (1973)

Make Room For Giallo!

Whether you like the film or not, Sergio Martino's 1973 giallo, Torso, is a landmark film in the horror genre. A year before Black Christmas was released, this erotic Italian horror film (aren't they all erotic, though?) utilized the first-person, masked killer motif which some claim to have been the inspiration for Halloween as well. While I may not fully agree with these assumptions, it's hard to ignore Torso's impact on the genre, with enough suspense, gore, and T&A to have definitely turned the heads of many then-future directors.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Elimination (2010)

Reality Bites

Elimination is one of those hilariously bad films that you just have to watch for yourself. A slightly higher-budgeted version of Fangoria's 2002 laughable-cult-hit Slashers, the film finds ten wannabe actors auditioning for a reality show. After being picked up by a driver for the production company who makes everyone surrender their cellphones and then promptly gasses them, they wake up in a remote warehouse ready to audition (not finding it strange that they all just woke up at the same time with no memory). Being instructed by a digital skeleton on a TV screen, the actors are told they are going to be playing an elimination game (for a select number of internet clients), starting in Sector A and making their way to Sector F, where only one contestant will win the one-million dollar prize. The catch is that they are going to be pursued by three killers the entire time and will have to fend for themselves, fighting one another for immunity trophies that allow 15 minutes of guaranteed safety from the psychos. What follows is some bad acting, poor set design, and cheap CGI, all of which culminates in a surprisingly cheesy and fun experience, perfect for movie nights with your friends and a case of beer.

Mother's Day (2010)

Mum's The Word

With every horror film from the 70s and 80s being remade these past few years, it was inevitable that Mother's Day would find itself in a modern retelling. The low-budget 1980 rape/revenge horror directed by Charles Kaufman (brother of Troma's Lloyd Kaufman) was made for a meager $150,000 and has become a staple among the cult community for its savage depictions of violence against women by a family of hillbillies who are egged on by their lunatic of a mother. It also featured great revenge elements as two of the female victims return the favor by distributing some gritty justice on their captors. So leave it to Darren Lynn Bousman, director of gore-heavy films like Saw II, III, and IV, as well as Repo! The Genetic Opera to take the helm on Mother's Day's modern adaptation. Wiping out nearly the entire plot of the original film, Bousman has managed to craft an effective thriller that puts a twist on the popular home-invasion scenario, but still offers up all of the violence and terror you would expect from someone who directed Jigsaw.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Shrine (2010)

How Many Poles Does It Take To Sacrifice A Human?

Pardon the sub-title of this review, as there is no punchline, but I just couldn't help myself as it's not often you see a horror film taking place in Poland (even though it's filmed in Canada). Jon Knautz first made headway into the horror community with 2007's horror/comedy hit Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, which garnered the then-new director instant praise and status among fans (having Robert Englund co-star in your first feature doesn't hurt, either). A few years later, he returns with The Shrine, a straight-up chiller that trades laughs and goofy monsters for thick atmosphere and a never-ending sense of dread, proving that Knautz is far from a one-hit-wonder, making him one of the most promising and versatile directors working in the genre.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Woman (2011)

Hear Me Roar

Some people can't take a joke. Others just can't handle a horror film. By now, most of you have probably seen the infamous footage of a guy freaking out at Sundance after the showing of Lucky McKee's latest film, The Woman. This man caused a stir during the Q&A when he started shouting his lack of appreciation for a film that shows rape and violence toward women. This guy probably could sit through The Piano, for instance, and shed a tear. Add in elements of horror and suddenly the movie is a piece of shit. One, it was an Official Selection of Sundance which says a lot for the integrity of the film, and secondly, people need to stop shitting on horror movies because they can't grasp social commentary in films that go beyond what The Academy Awards tells them to appreciate. This movie isn't Black Swan, people, and thank God for that, because Black Swan fucking blew.

Offspring (2009)

A Film With An Appetite

Well, no one will ever accuse novelist Jack Ketchum of being too soft, that's for certain. The author behind such novels as The Lost, Red, and The Girl Next Door (all of which have been recently adapted to the small screen) is well known for his brutally graphic and controversial body of work that has the squeamish hiding beneath the sheets after page one, as well as the high praise of acclaimed horror scribe, Stephen King. Offspring (adapted from Ketchum's novel of the same name) is no exception, as its visceral depictions of cannibalism, torture, and child murder are guaranteed to cause a stir with any viewer that isn't, well, Jack Ketchum.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Seconds Apart (2011)

Double Trouble

Not to get all Josef Mengele here, but I've always had a fascination with identical twins. I'm an only child, but I've always pondered the idea of a sibling, particularly one who looked identical to me. Sharing a bond with a brother or sister is one thing, but I can only imagine how much more of a connection occurs between twins. Edmund and Gary Entin first caught my eye with a small role in 2006's horror film Rest Stop. There was an intensity in their expression that I couldn't shake. In the sequel, they were given a slightly larger role that I thoroughly enjoyed, but I didn't see much of them after that. Imagine my surprise when I heard about After Dark's Seconds Apart, a horror film that stars the twin brothers as telekinetic psychopaths. You could say that my excitement, well, doubled.

Fertile Ground (2010)

Great For Planting, Okay For Viewing

A happily married couple move from the city to the desolate country in order to escape from bad memories. After settling in their new home, happy as can be, things start to get spooky as the house reveals dark secrets of its past, putting our protagonists in grave danger. Sound familiar? Most likely, because this is the basis for numerous supernatural horror films. After Dark's Fertile Ground is the latest candidate in this series of new-house-becomes-nightmare flicks. Drawing inspiration from The Amityville Horror, The Shining, and well...everything else remotely close, Fertile Ground does little to break new ground (see what I did there?), but still manages to provide a mildly entertaining haunted house feature.

Basement Jack (2009)

Stay Out Of The Basement, Jack!

Ambition is an important quality to have when making any film, be it a Michael Bay blockbuster or just a low-budget indie flick shot on a handy cam. Basement Jack is a very ambitious little horror film, made for roughly one million dollars, and for the most part, it allows the film to work beyond its budget and produce some truly effective scenes. But at the same time, is being too ambitious on a meager budget the best way to go? While Basement Jack delivers some tasty gore sequences and adds an enjoyable new killer to the slasher genre, it also boasts some scenes that may have worked better with a larger budget, or choosing prosthetics over CGI, at least.

Friday, June 3, 2011

The Tunnel (2011)

Aussie Horror Goes Underground

It's tough to be original these days. Writers and directors are chomping at the bit to put out fresh and unique horror films for their fans, which is tough, considering that the horror community is easily the most critical group of rabid filmgoers in existence.  It's even tougher when your movie uses a "gimmick", because it will be compared immediately to its better or original predecessors. The Tunnel is one of those films. Using the "found footage" technique utilized by films like The Blair Witch Project and [*Rec], The Tunnel will leave some judging it harshly as the "same old shit" (a quote taken directly from the illustrious IMDb message boards), whilst some, like myself, find it quite the achievement in low-budget filmmaking. Oh, and did I mention that this movie is completely free to watch and own?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Taint (2010)

Since I blew my load earlier over The Taint, I figured the least I could do was to give you guys a special Trailer Trash installment in hopes that you'll join me in the circle jerk.

Warning: This trailer is fucking awesome.

The Taint (2010)

What A Bunch Of Dicks

Those of you who read my recent verbal curb-stomping of a review for Dahmer vs. Gacy will probably have a Scanners-esque head explosion from the sheer confusion of my praise for The Taint, a new indie-shock horror film from the (assumingly) perverse minds of Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson. What separates a film about rabid misogynists with exploding cocks bashing in women's heads from two serial killers raping and slashing their way through a city? Fucking talent and effort, that's what.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Hidden 3D (2011)

Not Worth the Find

Some films perplex me, but for the wrong reasons. I have no questions about the plot of Hidden 3D, nor am I confused by anything proposed in the movie's storyline or twist ending. I'm really just perplexed as to why this film was made in the first place. It takes a great setting and an original (though silly) plot and then decides to coat it with terrible CGI (I can't tell if they thought that the 3D would help to mask it) and no violence whatsoever, though every character appears to be having the most horrific off-screen death. Most perplexing is that all of this was made for $8,000,000. Unless someone on IMDb misplaced a few zeroes, that leaves me more dumbfounded than ever. Just to clarify...that's eight million dollars for a film that boasts very sub-par CGI and no violence (so no budget was wasted on prosthetics or FX makeup).  To further put this into perspective; Brad Anderson's Session 9 cost $1,500,000. His followup, The Machinist was budgeted around five mil. Both of these films are exceptional, high-quality works that feel bigger than their limited budget. So, someone please explain to me where all the money went in Hidden 3D, because if anything was hidden, it was the effort to make a full blown horror film.