Monday, May 2, 2011

Blood Trails (2006)

A Bike Ride On Familiar Territory

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: A stupid female is relentlessly chased down by a killer. On the run, she meets several strangers who can easily help her get to safety. Instead, she makes them stall and ends up costing a few innocent lives. Cat and mouse antics ensue until said stupid female builds up enough courage to take on her attacker. Then...hey, what the shit? Why haven’t you stopped me yet? Following an easier formula than the Commutative Law of Addition, Robert Krause’s Blood Trails, like its protagonist, bleeds all over the place and unfortunately never clots.

There’s really not much of a plot to explain, but I’ll try my best. Anne is a bike messenger who is stopped by a cop for some dangerous biking. Instead of giving her a ticket, he gives her his number (whoooo!). We see through quick flashbacks that he brutally has sex with her, perhaps against her will (it’s hard to tell because of the handcuffs) and that’s that. Then her ex-boyfriend/current boyfriend, Michael, (it’s never that well explained) pleads for her to take a nice getaway trip with him. What do the bike messenger and her beau do? Go biking. You’d swear to god Schwinn produced this fucking movie.


While biking on a lovely but desolate bike path in the middle of nowhere, the two are confronted by Chris, Anne’s one-night-stand-authority-man. Cutting right to the chase, Chris kills Michael in what can only be described as "the best BMX trick ever." Covered in blood, Anne runs around like a ninny trying to get people to help her, only to end up letting them die because she’s kind of stupid. Take for example, an integral scene on the top of large hill where Anne finally gets a signal on a cell phone and reaches the police. Leaning against a giant crucifix, she tells the 911 operator "I don’t know which hill I’m on. They all look the same." I guess she forgot that this was the only hill with a GIANT cross sticking out of the ground. It’s little things like this that constantly irk me throughout the film.


The acting isn’t too bad. Michael says his lines quite plainly but he’s without a doubt the most likeable character in the film. The biggest problem with this movie is the fact that Anne isn’t really all that hot, but she has two studs totally jonzing for her. I’m not even gay but I’d strap on a pair of bike shorts if dudes like that would stalk me. Another problem is the fact that they never exactly explain why Chris is after Anne. It’s kind of like the director ran out of ideas and thought it’d be better to let the audience fill in the blanks. Unfortunately preceding the blanks is an even longer line of blanks. The film looks like it was processed through the Oliver Wood Community College of Cinematography. Too many unnecessary zoom ins and outs on faces made me feel like I was watching one of those parent-child Army commercials and not a horror film.


On the upside, I enjoyed how quickly the movie cuts to the chase. After only a good fifteen minutes or so, the movie gets right into the nitty-gritty. The gore effects are quite good and I would definitely give this movie an award for "Best Blood Coloring." Rebecca Palmer (Anne) isn’t afraid to show some tit as you’ll continuously see; so if that’s your game, then you might enjoy this little film.

When it comes down to it, clusterfucks of problems and bad writing make for a somewhat entertaining but all-in-all uneventful flick. If hot guys, breasts, and bicycle-related deaths are your thing, then you may in for the (bike) ride of your life. Otherwise, you can just ride the handlebars on this one.

 2/5 Stars

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