Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Creepshow 2 (1987)



Well, if you ever needed a reason to fear Indians Native Americans, Stephen King and George Romero's (slightly inferior) sequel to their classic anthology, Creepshow, will give you one. Just uh...stay out of the water. It looks like someone left a massive floater in the lake.

Dahmer vs. Gacy (2011)


No Need...I'll Kill Myself, Thank You

If you've been keeping tabs with the site, you know that I was out of commission for a few days due to an excruciating kidney stone tearing through my insides. The initial pain was so intense that it caused me to vomit and sweat for hours until I finally gave in to cowardice and rushed to the ER, bartering sexual favors with the MDs for a few CCs of Demerol. Considering that I drink an ocean of water a day, I've come to a very reasonable conclusion: the cheesy, lowbrow shlock-fest that is Dahmer vs. Gacy is the sole cause of this attack on my body. The pain I endured watching this turd of a film manifested itself into a barbed calcium deposit, laying swift vengeance on my body for making it sit through something so terrible, it can only be described as an abandoned Josef Mengele experiment deemed too cruel for human testing. I'm no doctor (legally), but that sounds reasonable, right?

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Ward (2010)


Am I The Crazy One Or Does This Movie Blow?

Ten years. I've waited ten years for a new feature film by horror maestro John Carpenter. The man behind such titan genre titles as Halloween, The Fog, Christine, The Thing, and They Live has returned (after a few hit-or-miss Masters of Horror episodes) with The Ward, which revolves around a girl who is put into a mental institution. The only loony I see here is Carpenter, who must've really needed a fast paycheck to put his name on a movie so bad, it makes Ghosts of Mars look like Citizen Kane.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Take My Life, Please's One Month Anniversary!


It's Take My Life Please's one month anniversary! Without advertising the site in any way, we've already had close to 600 visitors in our first 30 days alone!

Our most popular article of the month was our review of the new Mortal Kombat video game (which you can read here), so I figured I would pay tribute to the series with a special Trailer Trash installment: the original 1995 trailer for Mortal Kombat. (See post below)

Anyways, thanks for supporting Take My Life Please during its first month, whether you're a loyal visitor or just a random passerby, and stay tuned this week for a slew of crazy reviews, ranging from genuinely creepy found-footage films, god-awful serial killer vs. serial killer shit flicks, a surprisingly amazing dick-flick, a 3D film that should never have seen the light of day, and MUCH MUCH more. Our second month is going to own, people. The Rapture didn't happen because it was too excited to see what new shit was hitting the world of horror in June on Take My Life Please. So join our cult and see what's to come!

Also, keep an eye out for a new header (logo) on the first of June!

Header #2 Hint: You wouldn't be caught dead shoplifting in the mall with THIS kind of security...

Think you know the answer? Post it below!

Mortal Kombat (1995)


Before Paul W.S. Anderson was crushing the souls of Resident Evil fans with his disgustingly hi-tech adaptation (note that I even use the term "adaptation" loosely) of the franchise, he was doing worse with the MK series. You guys remember the awesome techno soundtrack with that one song that actually lists the characters during it? Yeah, it's in the trailer. The film also featured SUPER COOL (read: lame) visual effects for its time and the fucking Highlander as the most boring Raiden ever. 

That one shot of Kano by the chains is pretty sweet, though.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Ghoulies II (1988)



1988 was definitely my favorite year for horror movies. With classics like Night of the Demons, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Scarecrows, and more---it's hard not to find something you love. Sure a lot of them were cheesy, but that's what the late 80s did best. And no other did it better than Ghoulies II. Coincidentally, the film also featured a couple of actors from Killer Klowns From Outer Space and Night of the Demons.

Also, am I the only person who thinks it sounds like a younger Lewis Black narrating this trailer?

Best Trailer Moment: Ghoulie High Five

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Leprechaun (1993)



Just because I'm stuck in bed for the next few days hopped up on Vicodin for a kidney stone doesn't mean that your luck has to be shitty as well. Follow that rainbow to this horrible pot of gold that is the original trailer for Leprechaun.

I am now going to return to my freezing bedroom where I will pass out to a loop of Night of the Comet and The New York Ripper. But stay tuned because I will be back this week with a TON of brand new reviews and more!

-Andrew

Monday, May 23, 2011

DIEner (2010)


Sorry, We're Closed Dead

I have a soft spot when it comes to low budget horror. While this website is mostly dedicated to b-horror, cult, exploitation, foreign and what have you, it's also a place where small budgeted horror flicks can be noticed, good or bad. If you're out there trying to put your name on the horror world, this is the place to promote your work. I can't promise I'll love the movie, but I'll definitely give it as fair a viewing as I would Scream 4. Patrick Horvath's DIEner aka Die-ner (Get It?) is a welcomed addition to the shoestring budget genre. While it may not be the best horror film out there, it's definitely a great start for the director and has a steady charm to it that you would expect to find in a late night Cinemax horror flick.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Raw Meat (1973)



Raw Meat aka Deathline, starring the late-great Donald Pleasence, is the reason why I don't trust subway stations, the homeless, or cannibals. Hey, we all have our qualms.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Randy Savage, Dead at 58


I spent the first seven years of my life in the 80s, and wrestling was a huge part of that growing phase. I cheered when Macho Man proposed to Ms. Elizabeth, to which she said "Ooh, yeah!", I booed when Ric Flair photoshopped himself into pictures with Elizabeth, claiming to be having an affair. I remember his classic battles with Ricky Steamboat and Hulk Hogan. I remember his departure from WWF to his welcomed stint in WCW, where he played heel by joining Hogan's nWo regime, then later defying the group to join the nWo Wolfpac. I also remember the flying elbow drops, the tasseled outfits, the sunglasses, the bandannas, the Slim-Jim commercials, the entrance music.  I remember everything. Rest in Peace, Macho Man. It's time for your Match Made in Heaven.

Details Here.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

And Soon the Darkness (2010)


Tourist Trapped

American tourists just can't get a break. If horror buffs learned one thing from the fall of the Twin Towers, it's that writers and producers can never seem to get enough of exploiting post-9/11 xenophobia. Wherever we travel, there's always going to be a group of seemingly charming locals with dastardly plans, corrupt cops, and mysterious companions who have to earn our trust; because if horror films have taught us anything, it's that we're basically screwed when it comes to traveling abroad. Marcos Efron's And Soon the Darkness, a remake of the 1970 cult film of the same name, is no exception. His liberties with the original script thread a more commonly seen tale, but the film still works to an extent, mainly because of vivid cinematography and the eye candy that is our two leading ladies. Why, oh, why is it that only the beautiful insist on traveling alone?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Another True Blood Season 4 Promo!

 

HBO is definitely amping up the excitement for season four of its hit vampire series, True Blood.  While they just posted a new promo trailer last week, we already have a new one on our hands dealing with witches and the undead!

June 26th just can't come soon enough!

Bloody Pit of Horror (1965)



If the Marquis De Sade were alive to see the liberties that these cheesy and tame "adaptations" of his work took, he would probably send them a cease-and-desist order written in his own shit and piss. This movie looks like one of the Aquabats went on a poor killing spree.

Makes you wonder what kind of a movie he would've made if he were around in the age of cinema, though. He probably would've had the exploitation genre on its knees throwing up. And I doubt there would be any "Quentin Tarantino Presents..." above his work.
So, one question, Bloody Pit of Horror -- Where's the sodomy??

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Who Can Kill a Child? (¿Quién puede matar a un niño?) (1976)


Child Abuse

“I grabbed my shotgun. But I didn’t do anything. No one did anything. I mean, who can kill a child?”

Unlike anything that I’m about to write, that’s a pretty fucking introspective quote. A couple of years before Stephen King inked Children of the Corn and almost two decades before Guillermo del Toro put children in the woeful clutches of warfare, Narciso Ibáñez Serrador’s ¿Quién puede matar a un niño? or Who Can Kill a Child? took a major risk by tackling a sensitive and morbid subject that made its adult viewers ask themselves, “Could there come a point when our children become so desensitized to our actions that they rise up against us without hesitation?” Thanks to Dark Sky Films, this cult masterpiece has been re-released; and considering America’s current state, the film’s message still has enough impact to put a chill in the spine of every parent.

I Drink Your Blood/I Eat Your Skin (1970/1971)



Here's a double dose of cheese for you horror fans: a double-feature trailer for I Drink Your Blood and I Eat Your Skin. Though the latter was made in 1964, it wasn't released until 1971 in the US, making it a perfect fit for double-billing with I Drink Your Blood. Though little to no footage is shown of I Eat Your Skin, it's still full of violence and hilarious stupidity. Be on the lookout for the "hose" scene. It's a real knee-slapper.

Race With the Devil (1975)


Slow and Deadly Wins the Race

Whenever I was about seven or eight years old, I would always watch TBS on Sundays. They would usually play a barrage of horror movies and I could never seem to get my fill. I finally did whenever I saw Jack Starrett’s Race with the Devil. This was the first film to truly terrify me because it was then I realized that not all films have a happy ending; so life must not always end happily as well.

Monday, May 16, 2011

New Straw Dogs Trailer

 

In this remake of Sam Peckinpah's classic film, James Mardsen stars as a L.A. screenwriter who moves his wife (Kate Bosworth) back to her home in the deep south. There, his manhood is put to the test when a group of locals (led by True Blood's Alexander Skarsgård), become a bit too interested in his wife and become increasingly threatening and violent toward the couple, resulting in a battle royale of blood and carnage. After seeing Bosworth in this trailer, I'm pretty sure I'd have little trouble taking down a couple of hicks.

(Cut to me dead within ten seconds--most likely from accidental suicide)

Travellers (2011)


Vacation...Vandalism...Violence...

My girlfriend is always bugging me about traveling abroad, but she hasn't seen as many horror movies as I have. I know the dangers of being an American in a foreign land. Then again, the worst thing that ever happened to me in England was getting lost from my hotel. But, we weren't traveling in the countryside, which is where most of our favorite on-screen horrors occur. Kris McManus' Travellers is a bit like Deliverance but with a cockney attitude and is further proof that I won't be roaming out of my comfort zone any time soon. I doubt there are nice little old ladies in the middle of nowhere to help me back to my hotel for a few pounds. Just gypsies and evil.

Amityville Gets "Official" Sequel


Just last week, we talked about Hannibal Classics' 3D revamp of The Amityville Horror series with their upcoming Amityville: The Legacy. Now, Dimension Films and Mirimax have announced the green-lighting of yet another entry in the series, The Amityville Horror: The Lost Tapes, reports Arrow in the Head. The film will be in the "found-footage" style that's all the rage right now, picking up where the original Amityville Horror left off with the footage dating back to 1976.

The plot is detailed as follows: An ambitious female television news intern, on the verge of breaking the most famous haunted house case in the world, leads a team of journalists, clergymen and paranormal researchers into an investigation of the bizarre events that will come to be known as The Amityville Horror ... only to unwittingly open a door to the unreal that she may never be able to close.

Bob Weinstein also commented: "We are thrilled to return to the mythology of the Amityville Horror with a new and terrifying vision that will satisfy our existing fans and also introduce an entirely new audience to this popular haunting phenomenon."

So now we have two separate Amityville films in the making? Will one take reign over the other like the classic Exorcist: The Beginning and Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist battle of 2005? Of the two films, I would prefer this one over the other, being that a found-footage treatment is the only new trick that this long-running series has up its sleeve. Sure, it's competing with a 3D treatment, but when is the last time 3D actually worked for an Amityville film?

Casey La Scala and Daniel Farrands, who penned the screenplay, are also set to direct the film this summer with a planned January 27th, 2012 release date.

Trollhunter (Trolljegeren) (2010)


Where The Wild Things Are

It came as a surprise when I realized that I know very little about trolls. I think I recall something about rubbing the belly of a troll doll and making a wish, but I may be confusing that with the Buddha statue at Kim's Chinese. I collected Battle Trolls when I was 9, but again, those were dolls and they were made to look like mini-terminators with vibrantly colored hair. Troll 2 certainly taught me nothing as there were no trolls in the movie whatsoever. Lastly, I know what an internet troll is, as I've dealt with just over a billion of them on the IMDb message boards. Leave it to André Øvredal's Trollhunter (Trolljegeren), a wild "found-footage" ride into the world and mythology of these larger-than-life creatures, to open my eyes to something I hadn't thought about since the 4th grade. Talk about getting trolled, am I right?

Friday, May 13, 2011

Happy Friday the 13th from Take My Life Please!


Make it count, horror fans! Whip out those Blu-rays, DVDs and VHS tapes, party it up, and have a great time. Unfortunately for us, not everyday is Friday the 13th. I'll be spending this lovely horrorday with my girlfriend, making Polynesian and Thai hot dogs and watching just enough horror to make my eyes bleed.

This also bodes the question...what are your favorite Friday the 13th films? I'm an avid fan of Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives, but that's just me.

Fright Night Poster and Trailer Reveal!


Things just got a little better in vampire news. IGN unleashed a wicked trailer for the upcoming vampire-next-door remake, Fright Night, as well as the poster art (above). The film stars Anton Yelchin as Charlie Brewster, a teen who becomes convinced that his neighbor, Jerry Danridge (Colin Farrell) is a bloodsucker. The remake of the 1985 cult classic also features Toni Collette, Imogen Poots, and Christopher "McLovin" Mintz-Plasse, who will be taking over the iconic role of best friend "Evil" Ed, not to mention David Tennant (Doctor Who) filling in the role of Peter Vincent (who's now a magician and not a late-night horror host *sad face*)  But enough of my rambling, see the trailer for yourself after the jump!

Amityville Revamped in 3D; Completely Spoiled


You just can't keep a mediocre franchise down. In what feels like the millionth revamping of The Amityville Horror series (each sequel nearly felt like a revamp before the actual 2005 remake), Hannibal Classics is planning production on Amityville: The Legacy 3D, based on the book Amityville: The Evil Escapes by John G. Jones, reports STYD. While this revamp comes as no surprise to those who are used to everything being made in the past ten years revamped, there is one particular eyebrow-raiser. Hannibal Classics released a lengthy plot description that basically spoils everything. Eager to find out what spoilers lie ahead in a film that hasn't even reached in-production status yet? See for yourselves after the jump!

Sweatshop (2009)


Sex, Drugs, and Mutilation...It's All the Rave

While I've never done ecstasy or put a glow stick in my mouth (aw, who am I kidding, I did that last week), I have a small appreciation for rave culture. Unfortunately, most of the rave kids these days are shallow little underage fuckheads who think taking a handful of uppers and downers will get them laid when they're not discussing how "the bass needs to be thus high to enhance the maximum pleasure of this massage", which is kind of a downer in its own. The upside is that in Stacy Davidson's Sweatshop, you get the opportunity to watch the aforementioned fuckheads get brutalized with a giant anvil-hammer. I wonder if that feels any better on X?

New True Blood Season 4 Promo



Heads up, Trubies! Although it's felt like an eternity (even longer for you vampires out there), True Blood is returning to HBO with its fourth season on June 26th! Expect faeries, werewolves, vampires, and werepanthers doing battle this season. While this teaser promo is hardly enough to keep us sated until next month, we still get a glimpse of some Sookie/Eric sexual tension, some drama, and a good bit of comic relief: "Alcide, stop making that noise!"

Be sure and catch the return of True Blood, June 26th at 9pm on HBO. Although I'm excited, I think I speak for everyone when I say that waiting...bites.

The Violent Kind (2010)


Doo Wop 'Til You Drop...Dead

The Butcher Brothers have come a long way since their 8 Films To Die For entry The Hamiltons back in 2006. Sure, they're still calling themselves "The Butcher Brothers", but who am I to nitpick? With producers Malek Akkad (son of legendary Halloween series producer Moustapha Akkad) and Jeffrey Allard (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes) behind them, the co-directors have made their most polished and exciting low-budget horror film yet, The Violent Kind. All they needed was a little rockabilly.

Piranha 3DD Hooks The Hoff


It was revealed last week that Gary Busey took a role in the upcoming b-horror Piranha 3DD, the sequel to the Alexandra Aja remake that hit theaters only last year. While some fans may think that's enough for a bizarre time in bloody waters, the film has also snagged The Hoff himself, David Hasselhoff, BD reports. While his role will be limited to a cameo, it's got me curious if we'll see him running in slow motion (preferably from the bloodthirsty fish) or maybe busting out "Hooked on a Feeling", if he's not hooked on a fishing line.

One thing is for sure: This movie is going to be huge in Germany.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My Bloody Valentine (1981)



So Valentine’s Day is nearly three months passed, but who gives a shit, right? That’s what I thought. To celebrate our indifference to love (and those peculiar daydreams of slaying our loved ones), we proudly present you with another Trailer Trash delight, My Bloody Valentine.

Not only did this movie inspire countless rip-offs like The Prowler and a 3D remake; it also served as the name for one of the most definitive shoegaze bands to ever exist. That amounts to infinite street cred in my book.

Eat your hearts out, readers.

Your Bloody Valentine,
                        Andrew

Leatherface 3D Plot Details!


The latest installment in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, Leatherface 3D, is gearing up for a Summer shoot. Lionsgate is intending to start a new franchise in the long-running slasher series (the prior remakes were released by Platinum Dunes/New Line/WB) and Bloody Disgusting has gotten their hands on some plot details.

The film, which is intended to be a direct sequel to Tobe Hooper's original 1974 genre staple, follows a girl named Heather who is taking a road trip to Texas with her friends to collect an inheritance. The twist is: Leatherface comes with the inheritance and is now Heather's property. It'll be interesting to see how they play out this story. Will Leatherface simply chase Heather and her friends around the property until they're all on meat hooks, or will Leatherface be, well, contractually bound to Heather's word? Either way, I'm curious to see how this story develops as I wasn't a huge fan of the Platinum Dunes remakes.

BD also reports that whoever lands the role of Heather will be kept on for multiple sequels, as well as the town's "Sheriff Hooper," and his trusty sidekicks "Fransworth" and "Deputy Carl Hartman."

Leatherface 3D is currently casting and set to begin filming in Shreveport, LA this June with John Luessenhop (Takers) rumored to be in the director's chair. While the film is currently being cast under The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D, it has yet to be resolved which title will hit theaters in 2013.

We Are What We Are (Somos lo que hay) (2010)


Picky Eaters

My girlfriend says that I am absolutely the slowest eater in the world. I interject that eating slowly is healthier than gobbling down an entire meal in two minutes, but all she has to do is point to my stomach, which in comparison to her waifish figure makes me look like Mr. Belvedere. This is one of those things in our relationship that she rarely lets go of, and I have never understood why. That was, until I watched Jorge Michel Grau's Mexican drama-horror We Are What We Are (Somos lo que hay); a film about eating that takes an eternity before it scrapes the bottom of its plate.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Final Destination 5 Trailer


video

If any of you actually believed The Final Destination was going to be THE Final Destination, then chances are good that the Grim Reaper is probably outside your front door. More than likely, he's in your bathroom trying to figure out a way to kill you with dental floss and a damp towel. So, here's the brand new trailer for the aptly titled Final Destination 5. Horror fans will be happy to see Tony Todd reprising his role and then immediately confused when David Koechner is shown receiving an untimely death. The film also features Emma Bell (Frozen, The Walking Dead) and actor/musician Miles Fisher. The trailer also teases with a scene that puts the puncture in "acupuncture".

Do we really need another Final Destination? Not really. Do we still want to see teens die a gruesome and creative death? Absolutely. But man...David Koechner? I wonder if he also dies screaming out the side of his mouth?

Subspecies (1991)



One of the best series in the history of Full Moon, Subspecies told the story of vampire Radu and his claymation minions in his attempt to peep some euro-titties and drink some wicked blood from an amulet. He also had some long-ass fingers and a crucial lisp.

So stick your nosferatu where it doesn’t belong (Romania) and have yourselves a bloody mary, on the house, from Take My Life, Please.

Confessions (Kokuhaku) (2010)


Confessions Of (A Few) Dangerous Minds

When it comes to Asian cinema, one of my favorite qualities is their ability to defy genre. Tetsuya Nakashima's Confessions (Kokuhaku) has been labeled horror, drama, and psychological thriller, just to name a few. This somber revenge film has been picking up accolades wherever it goes, and with good reason;  its blend of emotion, violence, and lengthy dialogue form one of the most beautiful films of the year and is sure to please any genre buff with a taste for originality.

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Host (Gwoemul) (2006)


The Host With The Most

There are certain images from horror movies that will stay in my mind forever. The first time Chucky spoke in Child’s Play, the scene in The Sentinel when Alison's dead father casually passes through a dark room, the opening of the original When a Stranger Calls, the lake scene in Let’s Scare Jessica To Death and Michael Myers hacking his way through a closet door while the light bulb flickers on and off in Halloween—just to name a few. These scenes succeeded in being creepy and shocking not because of the subject material but because of how simply they were delivered. In an age where audiences rely on screams and loud crescendos to tell them that they should be scared, there are still a few out there that use realism and minimalist film tactics to make that point. After watching Joon-Ho Bong’s The Host, I proudly add the already infamous "park scene" to that list.

The Toolbox Murders (1978)



Long gone are the days (the 1970s) when you could read a movie title and say to yourself “Well, I know what the fuck that’s gonna be about.” If you need me to describe the plot to you, then you deserve a Philips head to the eye. Note how this film attempts to capitalize on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre's success by using the "based on a true story" motif as well as the exact same quote from the previous TCM trailer posted: "Once you stop screaming, you'll start talking about it". Guess that's why you hear so many people talking about this instead of TCM, huh? *snicker*

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Julia's Eyes (Los ojos de Julia) (2010)


See No Evil

First, you have a new Spanish horror film; I'm already down. Next, slap on Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Cronos) as a producer; I'm ready to party. Finally, have Belén Rueda (The Orphange) act as your lead; I had better be on the guest list. Combine the three and you have Guillem Morales' horror/thriller Julia's Eyes (Los ojos de Julia), a nerve-wracking murder mystery that keeps you on the edge of your seat until a weak third act leaves you with more questions than answers.

Broken (2006)


All Broken Up About It

I consider myself a pretty intelligent film buff. Typically I can understand the point of a film, find hidden subtexts and can take both sides of an argument regarding it. However, Simon Boyes and Adam Mason’s Broken is one of those movies that comes along once in a while and makes me feel like a total mongo. Judging from most of the critic and user reviews I’ve read, I’m the only person who thinks ‘Broken’ isn’t a masterpiece, but an average survival-horror film. Then again, I think The Big Lebowski is a piece of shit, so what do I know?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Troll 2 (1990)



As youngsters, my friend Steve and I would constantly watch shitty movies on Cinemax and The Movie Channel and bask in every minute of nostalgic cheesiness. It seemed like every hour The Magic Kid 2 or 3 Ninjas Kick Back was playing. For the ultimate rush in shit-crafted celluloid, we’d tune in to consecutive viewings of Troll 2, a film that features, well, no trolls whatsoever. If you’re already a fan of horror, you know how big this film has become. It’s now considered the “best/worst” movie ever, inspiring countless screenings, festivals, and a documentary on the film’s cult following, developed by Michael Stephenson (who played the lead role of Joshua in the film). Watching the trailer, I think it’s actually a better account of the movie than the film itself, especially editing wise. If you’ve yet to see Troll 2, don’t miss out. This should be on anyone and everyone’s bucket list.

Deranged (1974)


If Beauty's Only Skin Deep...Shed Some Skin

Ed Gein is one of the world’s most notorious serial killers. His gruesome acts shocked a nation and have been the inspiration for countless pop-culture icons such as Norman Bates, Leatherface, Buffalo Bill, and more. Funny thing is…Ed Gein isn’t really a serial killer. It could never be proven that Gein murdered more than 2 women (it takes three to reach SK status), but his grave robbing antics created a literal house of horrors including flayed skin suits, skin lampshades, a bowl made from human skull, skin chairs, and more. So it’s no doubt why most professionals say “fuck it” and let him have the title. With more and more straight-to-DVD releases about Ed Gein’s brutal crimes, I thought I’d take the chance to review a lesser-known title called Deranged that, while not as outrageous as Buffalo Bill’s dick-tucking antics or Leatherface’s pig-squealing buffoonery, belongs on the skin-crafted trophy shelf with them nonetheless.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Black Sabbath (1963)



Well, if you’ve never seen Mario Bava’s horror anthology Black Sabbath, here it is, essentially played out in a three-minute Italian trailer. I’m also pretty sure i want to bang most of the women in this. Also, how many times do you think they can flash “THREE TIMES THE TERROR” on the screen? Take a shot every time they do. Unless you’re under 21. Then take 2 shots.

The Super (2010)


Cleaning Up Everyone's Mess But His Own

I'm not sure if what Tarantino and Rodriguez did with Grindhouse was a good thing. The film was wholly entertaining and without it we wouldn't have great features like Machete and Hobo With a Shotgun. The problem is that the era of true grindhouse is gone; it was a "you had to be there" kind of thing. I was born in '83, so I definitely missed it. I managed to keep up with it through VHS and re-releases but I missed the physical experience of it. My question is: are films like The Super actually grindhouse films, solely because they use fat yellow fonts in the credits and filter in film grains and jumpy lines in post-production? Isn't that the opposite of grindhouse which was an unintentional style in its own? While The Super has its moments, these questions (amongst other problems) seemed to hinder my experience.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Blood Trails (2006)

A Bike Ride On Familiar Territory

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: A stupid female is relentlessly chased down by a killer. On the run, she meets several strangers who can easily help her get to safety. Instead, she makes them stall and ends up costing a few innocent lives. Cat and mouse antics ensue until said stupid female builds up enough courage to take on her attacker. Then...hey, what the shit? Why haven’t you stopped me yet? Following an easier formula than the Commutative Law of Addition, Robert Krause’s Blood Trails, like its protagonist, bleeds all over the place and unfortunately never clots.

Ghoulies (1985)



If you were terrified of using the toilet in the 80′s, Ghoulies is responsible. If you were scared of the carnival, Ghoulies II is responsible. If you dropped out of college in the 90′s, Ghoulies III is responsible. If you’re wondering why there was never a fifth installment, Ghoulies IV is responsible.

Rubber (2010)


A Plot That Grows Tire-some

When a tire named Robert randomly comes to life in the middle of the desert, learns to walk (or roll in this case) and follows a pretty girl to a nearby town, you would probably think that Pixar has a new film in theaters. Add in the fact that the tire has telepathic powers which can cause human heads to explode, and you have Quentin Dupieux’s bizarre mindfuck of an indie film, Rubber.